Sunday, January 22, 2012

You're STILL single?

The hardest part about being single are the "helpful" questions from curious people who seem uncomfortable with my singleness (and there are things I would like to say in response but unfortunately I can't think fast enough to come up with snappy comebacks on the spot. In the words of Calvin: "Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!!"):


-"Have you tried internet dating?"(Do I look desperate? I don't need to go on-line, I can find enough crazy people right here.)
-"You are going to England? Be sure to bring back a British boyfriend." (Oh sure. Would you like any thing else? A snapshot of me and the Queen, perhaps? Good grief.)
-"Are you still single?" (Didn't I tell you? No? Oh, well then I guess it isn't any of your business.)
-"You need a boyfriend." (Why? Am I somehow inadequate as a person?)
-"You joined a new church? You must be looking for a boyfriend." (Seriously?! That's not why I go to church.)
-"How's your dating life?" (How's your marriage?)
-"You're next." (Don't say this to me unless you have the gift of prophecy.)
-"So I guess you chose education and a career over having a family?"(Since when is it one or the other?)
-"Could you babysit for us? We would invite you to join us but it is a couples-only event." (Sure. I have no life and I love being left behind.)
-"It is your own fault if you are still single, you must be doing something wrong. You're not trying hard enough. You are choosing to be single." (You're a doo-doo-head!)
-"So you had a good time at the party? You met your future husband there, didn't you?" (According to the U.S. Census Bureau, single women are reported to be happier than their married counterparts.)
-"I bet you're never going to get married, you're well past marring age. Yup, you're a permanent spinster." (It may be that in Arkansas the marriage age is 18, but I'll have you know the rest of the world usually gets married much later in life...Ha! looks like I'm not a freak after all. Oh and by the way, single people are adults too.)
-"You're too picky." (The word "picky" implies I am actively rejecting men, when in fact there are no men in my life to reject.)
-"I can't believe a great person like you is still single. After all,even so and so is already married." (Thank you for bringing up such a painful subject, while you're at it why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it.)
-"I bet men are lining up to date a pretty little thing like you." (Um, thank you. That is flattering but not very helpful. Evidently, the men don't know they are suppose to be lining up.)

(In reality, I usually don't say any of these things, as it would probably hurt the feelings of well meaning folks.)

Other thoughts about being single:

-Almost everyone I know is married, the upside of this is I don't have to go to very many weddings now. When I do go to a wedding, I make it a point never to catch the wedding bouquet, it would only encourage people to bug me about getting married. One time, a bouquet was flying straight at my face and I still didn't catch it. 
-I've been apart of Youth With a Mission, John Brown University and New Life Ranch (all these organizations have reputations for producing couples) and I am still single, I think that is quite a feat. 
-One of my single friends and I are competing to see who can go the longest without going out on a date. I am happy to say I am losing. 
-The best pick up line a guy has ever used on me was when I worked in food service. I asked the man how his iced tea was, he said it would be better if I would stick my finger in it and sweeten it up a bit.
-My Dad once tried to arrange a marriage for me by offering a man a dowry of a goat and a rick of wood. The offer was rejected, the man said he needed at least five goats and a rick of wood. Dad thought the price was too steep and the deal was off. 
-I have decided I have a superpower. I am invisible...but only to available men. 
-When I worked in food service, a man "proposed" to me in an effort to bribe me into giving him an extra bread stick.
-If our relationship with God is suppose to be the most important relationship we will ever have, I can't understand why people are constantly worried and asking about my dating life (or lack there of) but never question how I am doing spiritually.
-Once I had a boss who tried to set me up with every man who walked in the building. In fact, she had most of my co-workers trying to set me up as well. At one point, my boss lined up all the single men in front of me and she asked me point blank if I would date any of them. 
-A co-worker once said to me, "You don't drink. You don't party. You rarely wear make up. You don't have a boyfriend. What are you, a cave woman?" I replied, "Well, I do enjoy caving."


  1. "A co-worker once said to me, 'You don't drink. You don't party. You rarely wear make up. You don't have a boyfriend. What are you, a cave woman?' I replied, 'Well, I do enjoy caving.'"

    LOL! Nice comeback. :)

  2. Aaaargh! These people sound like a nightmare! Don't they realize that being single isn't a fatal/incurable condition?

    Well, I gotta say kudos for your wry sense of humor about the whole thing Lacy ;-)

    Incidentally, why don't men ever get the "you're next" nudging and winking at weddings?